Readjustments

April was such a full month, not busy, full. It was equal parts exhilarating and stretching, certainly not a breeze but closer to healing and so many moments of hope were had. As I wrote last time, I'm at the in-between place. I think much of life could be described as the in-between but some seasons more so than others, I suppose the in-between is actually the journey. When I was really sick I was in the healing, the waiting, the having to practice faith minute by minute. Now here I am, my energy having gone from 50% to maybe 70%. It's amazing what even a small increase can do for your hope and sense of well being. Yes, I still have a ways to go but man that small leap sent me joyfully into life a little more fully than before!

I'm an aries, aries tend to charge through life with huge enthusiasm. I used to feel bad about this, I thought I needed to be more staid, more slow in moving forward. It never helps to feel bad about something. Now I'm seeing maybe I can just accept this part of myself at face value with a lightness of soul and willingness to readjust when things don't always go my way. I breath easier with that kind of perspective. Kindness to self, it's always a win, win.

So, here I am readjusting. California was fully in the works for June, my currant job was slated to end in May, I almost had all my finances lined up for a big move and I was feeling balanced enough to handle the stress that comes along with change. I felt set on leaving in June, I didn't want to endure one more rainy month in the Pacific Northwest! But unexpectedly one of the big links in my financial preparedness fell through and I had to come to terms with the fact that to leave when I had hoped would mean a massive amount of stress trying to force things to happen. If my health was fully recovered I could probably handle the additional stress but it's not and I can't risk putting myself in a hole just because I'm attached to a certain time line.

Mt. Baker- getting out and about in the Pacific Northwest. 

I gave myself permission to feel sad about all this, I did for a wee bit but mostly I didn't want to waste my time and joy on disappointment over something that would merely be an adjustment in the grand scheme of things. So I will be staying here for the summer. Now I have an additional 3-4 months to work and prepare for my departure and I feel good about this. Sometimes there's a twinge of disappointment but mostly I'm excited to really soak up summer here in the PNW with more energy than I've had in years. There are so many things I have put off doing, islands I have wanted to visit, mini trips to places near by, BC, Whistler, all excursions I just didn't have the energy or financial means to visit and now I do!

So, here's to summer, to readjusting with as much joy and ease as possible and staying alive to the new possibilities each day offers!

xoxo

Taking it all in- The Getty, LA, April 2013

I'm at this in-between place. I don't yet have enough energy to take on any big projects outside of work,  physical movement and life in general yet I have enough of an increase in energy that I find myself antsy at times. Some days I fill this unknown space by snacking too much and ruining lunch and dinner, other days I'm at work so I just keep going on walks and staying outside as long as the weather permits. The truly balanced energy I have is expended and then I'm left with this in-between feeling of wanting to act but not quite having the get up and go to do so. School, art, more relationships, I'm not quite there yet.

This is all a normal part of the healing cycle. I remind myself it's a blessing to be at this in-between point. Last spring I was still deeply fatigued and it was a big deal for me to simply start a once per week yoga class. Afternoons glued to the couch are mostly a thing of the past although I did have to put on the brakes this weekend and spend a good amount of time resting from my very full week.

Many of the activities that used to fill up the waiting don't interest me anymore: napping, TV, daydreaming...none of it satisfies like it used to, my needs are shifting.

This morning, after Cross Fit, I rode my bike along the water's edge. I'm already growing stronger, last week I could barely walk my bike home after class, this week I'm able to ride after. The weather was awe inspiring, light glittering on the water, the sky emptied of all winter's heavy clouds. I made myself stop often to sit and still myself and let the views refresh my perspectives. "The Ponds" kept running through my head, "But what in this world is perfect?", what a beautiful line. At one stop I sat and recalled a list I had made about my ideal home- the town I hope one day to live in. I think it may be in California or that may just be a starting place and it could yet to be discovered. My list was mostly about sun, water, good food and a nurturing community, that's what I envision as my ideal home.

Sitting there with the sun shining down, the water at my feet and having just come from an environment brimming with new people who couldn't be more kind or connective, I realized that I am living that life on my list. Maybe everyday isn't sunny and most likely this isn't my forever home, Cali still is the plan, but the point is that I live today, that I live the now.

I don't want to spend these days straining forward when I could be sinking into what I've already been given. I believe we're bestowed with so many gifts in life but often they go unnoticed as we scurry ahead to the next goal or bemoan what hasn't fallen into place yet. But if the journey is actually the destination then the futility of waiting for it all to come together makes living for today impossible.

The fact that I get to move my body again, that my legs can already do more that I would have thought possible, that my mind rarely goes to the dark places I used to live when I first got ill, and that my heart is opening in ways I never understood before, is really the point of all this. I believe there's a voice speaking to me, the Divine within, when I get still enough to I hear it I'm amazed and once again I find myself breathing thank you, thank you.

The Ponds


Every year
the lilies
are so perfect
I can hardly believe

their lapped light crowding
the black,
mid-summer ponds.
Nobody could count all of them --

the muskrats swimming
among the pads and the grasses
can reach out
their muscular arms and touch

only so many, they are that
rife and wild.
But what in this world
is perfect?

I bend closer and see
how this one is clearly lopsided --
and that one wears an orange blight --
and this one is a glossy cheek

half nibbled away --
and that one is a slumped purse
full of its own
unstoppable decay.

Still, what I want in my life
is to be willing
to be dazzled --
to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even
to float a little
above this difficult world.
I want to believe I am looking

into the white fire of a great mystery.
I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing --
that the light is everything -- that it is more than the sum
of each flawed blossom rising and fading.  And I do.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Life in bloom and letting go....

 

The tulip fields- Skagit Valley, WA

I have thirty minutes before I have to get ready for work and I need to write. Sometimes the catharsis of writing does more for me than even yoga- today is one of those days! There's so much to update here in this little space so we'll see how far I get in 30minutes. It's not that I'm frantically busy, I will never go back to that way of life. As I get better and better, life is flowing and filling up more and more with what I dreamed of for the past 5 years, I'm mostly thrilled about this!

We never arrive, I think it's always important to remind ourselves of this and that life is far from perfect, (why was that ever an ideal in the first place?), but this recovery thing is unfolding at a steady pace now and I'm living with a mix of wonder that life is actually moving forward as well as a feeling that this is normal and natural and I have to remind myself that this new normal was something I waited for for a very long while. I have to remind myself that I used to have to expect 5 days to recover from one day out, that I used to only be able to go on 15 minute walks and that I used to have to fight vigilantly against the fear that I would always be sick. It's amazing how quickly the brain adapts to a new normal- how within 12 months I have gone from needing to rest most of the day to holding down a job, traveling without severe energy crashes and starting to plan a big move to another state. It seems one thing builds on the other and then all of a sudden you take stock of where you've come from and are blown away by the rebirth that is unfolding. Sometimes I find myself breathing the one word prayer "thank you" over and over.

After I got home from my road trip I was curious if my energy would plummet and if I would crash for a few weeks. I did fine energy wise on the trip but I knew there could be a possible down swing after I got home and let down. The crash never happened, I made sure to get good sleep and rested for 30mins to an hour each afternoon but overall I felt just fine. Not a ball of energy but not like the life had been sucked out of my very being. More balanced than not, (and this the week before I started my period).

I just completed my 3rd Cross Fit workout this morning. I didn't think I'd try Cross Fit for several more months but after road tripping through Cali with my Cross Fit loving friend I just couldn't wait any longer to give it a go! It's hard but scalable and I am very clear about my need to modify anything that seems too over the top for me. The workouts totally bust my butt and I can see why people who do CF get in shape and get strong! I've been insanely sore the past few days but I keep waking up and looking forward to riding my bike down to the box and learning more and more. Slow and steady is the name of my game- that and wonderful epson salt, lavender oil baths!

When it comes to working out cardio is my grove; I have very little upper body strength and so that is my biggest challenge. Someday I shall do a full push up?!?! Regardless of how weak I feel, I sense that the mental boost this functional workout thing is giving me is already making me feel better about life in general!

The thing I've been struggling with the most lately is the need to know my future. This is an ongoing issue for me. I like to know where I am going and it seems life hasn't complied in fulfilling this want. Hmm, I wonder if this keeps coming up because I'm resisting the fact that we can't KNOW our future! Anyway, now that my recovery has made substantial progress I find my "need to know" shifting from how I'll get better to how things will work out for my CA move. Will I get a job before I move, will it be a good fit, will I find the right apartment, will I make enough money to live comfortably, will I, will I, will I....??? I want everything set in stone so there's no risk of "failure" or loads of stress; I'm a planner by nature and well, nature doesn't always follow plans.

It scares me to step out without all my ducks in a row and I don't want to let anyone down if things don't work out how I hoped. It's clear that I still have a lot of letting go to do. My life is becoming so rich and full right now and I refuse to ruin all that is good with fear and worry about things not working out. Usually things not working out is the exact way to get to one's true calling in life, so regardless of how Cali pans out I'm reminding myself to enjoy the journey.

One of the greatest gifts illness gave me was the realization of how important and honoring it is to take care of oneself. Even though my life is a bit busier I have developed such good habits of self care that I believe will be one of my biggest allies as I move forward in life. It's hard to take the time in life to learn this stuff but illness has a way of opening lots of time and space and making a way for what's really important to actually be grasped. Thank you, thank you....

So, that's where I'm at. I wish you all the best and want to leave you with a quote that describes what comes when we let go:

At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has figured it out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder. 
Donald Miller

I'm back!

Somewhere between LA and Bakersfield- Photo by Gena Miller

Just a quick pop in to say I'm back from my road trip and feeling pretty darn good! This years trip was even better than lasts- I packed waaaay less which made everything easier. I didn't need to lie down every afternoon for a nap/rest, that was a big surprise! My energy was balanced and I never once crashed even with all the ups and downs of travel. Of course I was carful to get to bed by 11 each night and I tried my best to sleep in until 7am most mornings. It's pretty easy to eat well when traveling the West Coast- Whole Foods and Trader Joe's abound so eating was easy to keep on track, that makes a big difference for me.

I've been on my new protocol for almost 7 weeks now and I'm so relieved that after the first two weeks I was able to move up to 3 doses a day and without any adverse reactions to the introduction of more energizing supports. I do notice I'm having somewhat of an increased issue with heat- when I do get stressed or excited I sometimes feel overheated and that can be uncomfortable. I'm going to have a consult with my practitioner this week to talk about adding in some supports to help balance out my thermostat. Mostly it's just a matter of waiting to come out of adrenal fatigue.

I have a full week ahead of me and the weeks leading up to my departure were very full. I'm resting a lot this weekend in the hopes that I will transition back to my routine without any big crash. I intend to write more about the trip this week or next, it was truly great. For the time being, a few photos from the road:

Life on the road- from hostel to hotel to home...

Coffee and snack stop Big Sur

That wonderful California light.

The open road- Big Sur to Santa Barbara

The sun is setting as I drive ahead- Photo by Gena Miller

A Persistent Illusion

Hello 29!

Yesterday I turned 29 and I was a grouch. I wanted it to be a wonderfully melancholy day of reflection, good food and gratitude, instead I tossed and turned the night before and woke feeling tired, wired and anxious. Maybe it was the chocolate that I ate Saturday night, (why did I think that was a good idea?), I haven't had any for a long while, maybe it was some kind of detox, I really don't know what to chalk it up to but I turned 29 and instead of feeling great about it, I just felt like I wanted the day to be over.

So, I had to remind myself let it go, just let it go and, I did. I've gotten a lot better at this letting things go business. And...there were good moments even with all that other stuff.

Next week is the real celebration, I get to go to one of my favorite places and eat good food, (minus the chocolate!) with my dearest friend and celebrate life- what more could a girl want?!

But I wanted to come here and mark this occasion, my last year of being in my 20s yet feeling like I'm 17 and 60 all at the same time.

Just yesterday I read a quote about time and I felt it perfectly explained why we can't fit these neat consecutive numbers into a box of meaning or true order. Numbers can't explain how it is I'm coming back to life and with it finding the spark of my early 20s still waiting to be fully lived out, seasons I thought had passed. Numbers can't explain how some days I feel 22 yet simultaneously I carry with me the soul of a middle aged woman who loves solitude to the depths of her being. None of this really adds up or make sense because it's not meant to.

Time is not consistent: 
it bends and warps and curves;
it speeds up and slows down;
it shifts and changes.
Time is relative, its consistency a persistent illusion.
Rob Bell

Today I woke up, the sun was shinning and it really seemed like the first day of spring here. I felt worlds better so I went on two big walks down to the water. On my last walk, during the late afternoon hour, an eagle soared over me while I stood looking up at the blue, blue sky. Standing there in that moment, I felt limitlessly limited and wholly comforted by the paradox that is life.

8 days to go.....

Setting sun after bursts of rain- Seattle Wa, February 2012

Until I'm hopping on a plane for California! Mostly I'm looking forward to just sitting in the sun and being warmed by those long yearned for rays. This will be a little spring break trip with my dearest girl friend and also some scouting for possible apartments for my quickly approaching move. A lot has transpired since my last post and so here I am for a much overdue update!

Four weeks ago I got the official word from my practitioner that I have finally moved out of the four lows pattern. I could hardly believe it when I spoke with her on the phone. I keep re-saving the voice mail stating that I've moved out of the four lows- this was something I'd been waiting for for over two years and something that, at times, I felt might take many more years to reverse. Now I realize that was a big part of why I was feeling so worn down in January, my body had moved out of a deep seeded pattern of exhaustion and my protocol had become overly sedating.

Now I am finally able to take a protocol that will slowly increase my energy. The four lows was all about resting my body and not taking anything that was too stimulating, now that I have moved past that pattern I can start nourishing my body with more energizing supports. It's a slow transition, at first I didn't feel more energy but this past week I have noticed a gradual increase in my sense of well being and energy and I imagine that several months into this will show even bigger improvements. The other great news was that my test results show my body is about to dump copper which is going to be one of my biggest keys to true healing!

Several weeks prior to getting the news that I had made such a great leap health wise, I started to sense a  deep urge to begin planning for my Cali move sooner than later. Previously I had thought I'd move down at the end of summer/beginning of fall but then I started feeling more sure of myself and emotionally stable and this lead me to feeling ready to leave sooner than next fall.

I was experiencing a sense of calm knowing around all this, a feeling that was new to me and so I figured to follow its lead even if my energy wasn't optimal. When I found out my body had made such a leap health wise, I felt even more confident that June was going to be the right time for my new beginning! So, here I am, less than 3 months away from leaving Washington State to put down roots in a place I have longed and dreamed of moving to for over 4 years now!! This all seems surreal- I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that after almost 6 years of dealing with an incapacitating illness my life IS moving forward and in the direction of my long heal dreams.

Having been raised in the "name it and claim it" tradition of Christianity, coupled with our quick fix culture, I always thought my recovery would all of a sudden happen- some huge shift from one week to the next. But this process hasn't been anything like that- it's been a slow unfolding and not some radical, hyper charged transformation. I'm beginning to understand that this is the nature of life and especially of change.

I hope in the next 6 months I can start doing some more structured functional workouts- maybe Cross Fit or something like that. Improving my body composition and my sense of strength is going to feel awesome and I can hardly wait to be to the point that I can engage in life with more strength. I'm continuing to love yoga and the individuals in my class who have become a sort of grounding place for me from which I will be empowered to move into my new life.

I can barely wait to be in my new apartment in CA- I plan to have a big pot of jasmine and to hopefully fit a hammock on my balcony or patio. Every time I recall one more element of why I love that area so much, the smell of the eucalyptus trees driving to Muir beach or the hazy light in the evening on Mt. Tamp, my heart swells with awe that I actually get to live there! The other day I realized I'm in love but this time it's not with some guy who isn't quite right for me, this time it is with a place, a place that I sense will love me to further wholeness.

Occupy Life

like memories of a dream from the night before.....

January was a tough month- it's been awhile since I've had a hard month, maybe as far back as July. It's not that everything has changed and become much easier, it's just that there's been these gradual shifts and this slowly increasing ability to enlarge my life. I still was having fatigue but I was also granted the ability to work, ride my bike, connect more fully with others, still with caution for my limited energy but it was life and it felt good. Then January hit and tooth aches and sinus infections came, I did pretty good but my energy took a beating and my weekends turned to pure recovery mode instead of getting out and seeing the world. I coped with all of it much better than I would have expected, I stayed mostly calm and stayed aware of when I was letting my need for answers and control get out of hand, (major stress trigger). Identifying patterns of behavior is a victory in my book, even if I find myself doing something repeatedly I feel success when I start identifying it every time it happens, my goal is to live consciously, not perfectly and without missteps but consciously. Being aware is where it all starts, somehow the change seems to take care of itself once we choose to see things for what they are- this is something I'm just starting to understand.

The funny thing is, I've been wanting more hours at work and January was the month that more hours came. Week after week, through pain and sickness I accumulated more and more hours. I made it through and it was ok, hard at times but ok. I didn't disintegrate into a puddle of exhaustion even though the fatigue was a burden to bear and made everything seem harder.

And now February is here and I'm feeling a bit stronger. I'm getting back into my daily yoga practice and waiting to see what unfolds as time passes.

Last week I was listening to Tapestry and learned about The Legacy Project. In the interview Karl Pillemer, a Cornell Univercity Professor, shares about his research into the wisdom of America's elders- those who lived through the Great Depression and the World Wars. I found the insights these elders shared profound and affirming of all I've been learning these past few years. Here I was agreeing and feeling a sense of knowing at much of what was shared, wisdom these individuals had gained over 80+ years of life, some of the same wisdom I have been fortunate to learn because of illness, because I was "forced" to slow down and in a sense become old while I was still young. These are the times I recognize the intrinsic value of life's trials, difficulty can provide the imputes to make us more fulfilled humans and at the end of every struggle is truth and beauty and deeper freedom than we knew before.

Now that I'm out in the world a bit more I find myself encountering people who have their health and have what I would consider the many facets of a happy life- money, esteemed careers, families, travel and the thing I envy the most, energy. But I've been noticing that they often take these things for granted or even view them as burdens. They stay stuck in lives that are unnecessarily stressful and go through the motions day after day with some highs but mostly a lot of just getting by. This is hard for me to wrap my head around since I've fought so hard for life. I don't judge this as bad because these people are truly doing the best they can with what they understand of life. I do find it eye opening and once again a good reminder of how valuable this season of illness has been and how it's going to impact me positively for the rest of my time here on earth. Nothing wasted.

Lastly- I started watching Enlightened, a show about a middle aged women trying to find inner peace after loosing her marriage, job and esteem. The first few episodes were pretty depressing and I don't know how the rest of the season will pan out but I do appreciate the portrayal of the ups and downs of trying to recover yourself when everything has disintegrated in your word, how you try so desperately at first to be better, all with such mixed intentions and even though messes are inevitably made along the way there are those moments of enlightenment where it all makes sense and you are given the strength to keep going. I've had these kind of moments for a long time now, they seem to be few and far between but they are the times when all is stripped away and my soul feels freest, when the judgement and stories fade and the realness of who I am and the beauty of all the pains and joys of life stuns me in the deepest parts of my being. The below clip is TV at it's finest, HBO seems to have a knack for tapping into these hard to express human feelings, (Six Feet Under anyone?), and creating something beautiful that moves me deeply as I see parts of my story unfolding.




"we're just spirits drifting through this perfect earth together, we can be free of our sad stories, they float away, till they're like memories of a dream from the night before, shadows under the water, and what's left is pure life, life is the gift....."

Saying Goodbye to January...

Cozy Chai Tea with Coconut milk and butter. 

It's turned into an incredibly rainy and grey weekend here. Much to my surprise since Friday was full of blue sky beauty. I feel like the life has been drained out of me this week. The past 3 weeks have been full of some pretty strange health related stuff but this week was the hardest. I think all this is related to some rather random seeming sinus illness that first appeared as an intensely painful tooth ache three weeks ago. After the toothache, things died down but this past week I really felt drained physically as I battled congestion, a cough and just generally feeling like the life had been sucked out of me.

This is all so foreign in that I rarely get the bugs that are circulating around me and if I do, I rarely get them to such an extreme degree. This has been going on for over three weeks now and it is draining. I made it through one of my longest weeks at work but it wasn't easy and I'm hoping and praying that all the rest I bank this weekend will translate to a better work week.

Fresh blended turmeric root super shot!

My heart is longing deeply for California. In two months I will be off to the promised land for 7 days of road tripping! I hope by this time next year I will have moved there or at least be in the process of moving. It's hard to fathom how this will happen right now with the way I'm feeling and all. These past 5 days have scared me a bit, it's been so long since I've felt this drained and to be revisited by a complete lack of energy is unsettling. I think this is all related to a sinus cold that lots of people around me are battling but the complete lack of energy reminds me that this is the way, (minus the congestion and cough), that I have felt for most of the past 5.5 yrs. It's only been in the past 7-8 months that I haven't battled such deep, deep fatigue. When I remind myself of my progress I feel great hope!

I'm trying to not make CA the end all and be all to my happiness. I know no one place can meet all my expectations but I also believe change can be just the new life that one may need to turn the next page in living with intention and joy. So, no big exciting posts here, just making it through one day at a time and hoping as January passes so does all the illness.