Fall Hike- October 2013
Each day passes and I weave in and out of the solace this relishing brings. I drive down the road and notice a landscape so stunning I have to remind myself to appreciate it and not be buried by the distractions of coming and going. I sit on the couch sipping tea and am momentarily freed from my body as a certain piece of music fills me and I have sudden perspective flood in, peace that transcends words and logic.
My health has been decent. Getting sick and being so slow to recover has meant coming to terms with my body- my less than optimum genes and my need to lead a lower stress existence. Sometimes I forget those needs and push. Yet I always end up coming back to this slower way of living and I feel some sort of relief in arriving home again, because this IS home for me. It's as if in finally being honest with myself I found the answers to the longings I've carried with me my whole life. The longings I thought I knew how best to meet but am again surprised to find instead met in the quiet and in the transcendent moments of happiness with kindred souls, animals and nature.
I was talking to my yoga teacher the other night. She and the other women in my class have become my village elders- the first group of women I've known to impart such peace and confidence to my still healing child self. I've been with these women for a year and a half now and the other night, standing out under the street light, my teacher commented how I had changed. How when she was getting to know me I talked of illness and family crisis and how now my conversation is of excitement and looking forward with strength to what I want out of this life. It's nice to move from subjective to objective, to get little glimpses that remind me change has indeed arrived.
I do feel stronger and more excited. In the last eight moths I have noticeably moved past feeling blasé, A feeling that plagued me for the past four years or so. And yet with more strength comes the unearthing of that which still needs wholeness. I've mostly accepted this. To resist would be to resist life itself....this is life, this is what it's made up of, the whole gnarly and glorious grind of our humanity.
For now moving forward means physically moving. I have a date set for departure to CA at the end of December. I have given notice at my current job, changed bank accounts and crossed things off to do lists and yet I still feel unsure. In the morning when I wake I want nothing more than to go! As the day wanes my confidence leaks away and I question if this will be one big expensive mistake. So I give it all up and pray- over and over, each passing day. I ask God to shut the door if it is not the one for me. So far it hasn't shut and that makes me happy. Mostly I want to go, but this is a leap and part of leaping is confronting questions and fears.
My health improves daily. I have dedicated so much to getting better and my return is a steady and slow building of vitality. My test results come back showing this to be true and warning me where I'm pushing ahead too fast. After two month of Cross Fit, I quit. The warning signs came, insomnia, rashes and other symptoms creeping in slowly. When I got my latest HTMA results back I had the confirmation I needed to know that the pushing was draining me. Yet I still felt stubborn and angry. Frustrated at this body of mine for not doing what I wanted it to be able to do. Frustrated that I had to give up a sport I could see myself enjoying for years to come...if I had a different body. Now I'm at a local gym, still lifting but slower and with more breaks. I'm actually enjoying taking things at my own pace and grateful that my body can do all it can, even if it means readjusting as I go.
This is the cycle. The ebb and flow of life. The audacity with which we approach our ideas of achievement sometimes to have them met with success other times to have our wrists slapped as we fight what is. But after all that comes a truth so quiet and still, so much better crafted to our own unique heart callings. And eventually received with gratitude because we know the feeling of strife that comes when we aren't living true. Returning to honesty feels like an exhale long over-due.
So that is where I'll leave things. I had intended to go into a longer explanation of my current health status but there's really not much to share. Things are improving, holding steady and then improving a little more. Time is the ingredient I still struggle with the most and I accept this now- my humanness, the flaws, my impatience and most of all this relentless love for life that returns time and again.
Have a sweet holiday friends.