Lilacs in spring.
I hope to write more later. For the time being I'm going to share a few journal entries from the past years. It's surreal to look back on my writings from that period of waiting and I hope it might be encouraging to those of you who are still longing to come through your own dark night.
May 15th, 2013
I dreamt of H last night. This time married, with a young daughter. We spoke of California, a trip he had taken with his family down the coast. There was resolution, no longer romantic longing, simply former acquaintances sharing of the lives we had lived. It felt like closure, acknowledgment of what could have been and why it never was. I woke and wanted to believe that was my night messengers purpose, a goodbye, finally putting to rest neglected longing. Yet all day I find myself yearning, nostalgic for the man in my dream. But real life means he is married, without a child, but still, married.
Now I'm in Snohomish, one hour left till evening, the window glass sprinkled with a faint settling of yellow pollen. This place is magic on a warm day. I see so many stories passing me on the street. Old married couples, middle aged women and young girls in all their innocent expectation. This place surrounded by rolling hills and farmland yet enlivened with art and honest simplicity. Mom and I used to come here when I was younger, I had such good feelings on those days. I might live here if here was California and it was a little less crowded with window shoppers browsing antiques. Still it's nice to sit and savor this marinade of memory and present.
Yesterday I climbed the hill on the south side of town, all the lanes, P through Y, dropping down to parallel streets of houses with a view. I got to the top and turned back to look out on the world. The panorama of islands, vast and majestic rising out of the sea.
The lilacs are in bloom everywhere I walk. They came early this spring, their fragrance blowing out on the air. I wonder when their scent fills this town next year where I will be, California?
I'm on the verge, at the in-between. Healthier yet not fully healed, moving forward yet waiting for the next step to become clear. I wait.
At night my dreams are filled with memories, past intimacies relived without the disappointment. All the confusing edges faded to a warm glow. Friends, family and former attractions revealing themselves to me as they could have been, without the pretense, without the fears.